Feeling Guilty?

You’re standing at the kitchen sink, rinsing the last few dishes. The kids are playing together, and the babysitter will be here any minute. You take a deep breath, feeling a small flutter of excitement rise up inside you. “It’s been so long since I’ve had a night out with friends”, you think. “A nice meal, a drink, real conversation with adults…I can’t wait!”.

There is a knock at the door and the babysitter has arrived. You greet her, give a few quick instructions, and call out your goodbyes. For a moment, everything feels right until your five-year-old catches your eye.

Before you step out the door, they run toward you, eyes wide, and wrap themselves tightly around your leg.

“Don’t go! I don’t want you to go! Please, stay home!”

Ugh, those not so good feelings kick in. I feel guilty. It might feel like that in the moment. But let's take a step back and look at what we know to be true. Guilt arises when our actions conflict with our values. So, what really is the value here? The value is clear: spending a night out with friends is important for your well-being and, in the long run, helps you to be a calmer, more present, and happier parent.

If leaving doesn’t actually go against your values, then what is this uneasy feeling we label as guilt? Often, it’s simply discomfort or the natural tension that comes from seeing your child upset. No parent wants to witness this, and it’s normal to feel that discomfort yourself. At the same time, it’s important to remember that your child’s feelings are theirs, not yours. Part of parenting is helping them learn to manage their own emotions, giving time for that and trusting that you will always return.

Many of us were taught that we should carry our children’s feelings as our own, and that failing to do so is “abandoning” them or showing that we don’t care. But setting boundaries, honoring your needs, and showing your children that emotions can be felt and managed safely are acts of love.

You kneel down, hug your child once more, and whisper reassurance. “I’ll be back soon. You’ll have fun with the babysitter, and I’ll hear all about it when I get home.” As you step out the door, you know that your needs matter and that love doesn’t vanish when you step away for a night.